I Was Ghosted By A Best Female Friend And It’s A Terrible Kind Of Heartbreak

My group of friends was strong at 38. Since we are all married or in committed relationships, drama was generally uncommon with these ride-or-die girls. Although it can be difficult to establish deep relationships as an adult, my most significant friendships were made in my late 20s and early 30s. These were ladies I had met and became friends with through events like an art program, a common friend’s birthday party, a book club on Craigslist, and a shared house.

It feels like romance to make pals later in life. You meet someone, feel a connection right away, and presto! All of a sudden, you’re thinking about, making plans, and texting about them. Meeting someone you like is exhilarating, but like dating, there are some rules to follow. You may discover that you weren’t matched after all, or a relationship may burn a little too hot. My husband always responds (not in jest) when I make lighthearted remarks about how different he is from what he first presented: I was a salesperson trying to close a deal. There aren’t many differences in female friendship. To someone we believe shares our beliefs, sense of humor, or passion for Instagrammable ice cream, we are offering the best version of ourselves.

Five years ago, I met Kate (not her real name) at a business function. I felt a connection right away after we stayed together all night after a quick conversation. Although I had previously fallen for a platonic girl friend swiftly, timing and appearances can often be deceiving. I usually kept my guard up, but below that was a sensitive girl who didn’t always adequately guard her heart and fell easily, whether for lovers or friends.
We discovered we had a lot in common, from our neighborhoods to our interests and our need for authenticity (or so I believed) after the evening, in addition to feeling like long-lost best friends. We traded phone numbers, but I was cautiously optimistic and didn’t want to give myself up. However, it’s uncommon to find a female friend or someone of significance who genuinely complements you, particularly in New York City. In light of that, I finally overcame my anxiety and allowed our relationship to blossom.

I quickly threw myself into a developing new partnership. Meetings through texts resulted in dinners and going to activities together. You know you’ve connected with someone when you can eat dinner with them and never feel like you’re lacking in natural conversation. That’s precisely how I felt.

Our partnership developed, reaching beyond ourselves to include people from our individual lives. As good friends do, we gave each other our full support in all of our pursuits. We got together for morning yoga, lunchtime coffee, and sporadic venting sessions. The real test of any new relationship was, well, the trip we took together. Our relationship was still continuing strong when she came to my wedding in the winter of 2017.

 

It felt like something more significant than the kind of friendship that was mostly based on daylong Sunday brunches and nonstop activities in your twenties. The fact that our current lifestyles differed didn’t really matter to me. She was unmarried and outgoing, while I was recently married and primarily a homebody (something that had been simmering even before I met my husband). I had the impression that we had a solid base and were supported by something more substantial.

However, things abruptly altered in the spring of the next year, just a few months later. No significant indicators, problems, or even a dispute were present. It started as it usually does. Little deeds that rot into huge voids where something used to be. No “can we talk” sessions or lunches like the ones on Real Housewives reality TV to discuss problems.

Nowadays, ghosting is a frequent occurrence in dating. One that has been recognized by all as a possible drawback of putting oneself out there. Early on in any love relationship, there always appears to be a hint of trepidation. Fear that one of the two individuals may leave without giving a reason after some time has been invested. However, friendships between women are fragile, so I found it difficult to believe that one would abandon the other just because she didn’t want to face her feelings or acknowledge that she wasn’t interested in you anymore.

However, there I was, receiving fewer texts and invitations, and feeling generally unhappy about the fact that our friendship was starting to fade. I asked her if she was okay after seeing the warning signals and reacting like anyone else who has been ghosted. Unless it’s someone you’re dating, in which case you might not receive a response at all, I received the typical response from individuals that engage in the ghosting. “All right,” she said, “just really busy.” Despite being so straightforward, four words have a ton of hidden meaning.

I scratched my head, wondering what might have happened. Perhaps she was simply taking care of her own personal matters, or maybe I had unintentionally done something to push her away. However, there were no hints, indicators, or words that would have allowed me to draw a reasonable conclusion. We arranged lunch after some prodding, and for a brief time I thought I had overreacted.

Everything appeared to be going well at lunch, but I knew it wasn’t. Even though it wasn’t forced, our conversation felt different, but nobody brought it up. Between us, the air felt thicker. We made vacuous promises to get together again soon after saying our goodbyes and parting ways after lunch. Even though I was unaware of it at the time, that would be the final time we would meet in person after five years of friendship.

After a month or two, our friendship took a last turn, and I had some news to share at last. She was aware that I was a few months pregnant and that we had been trying for a child. When I was at last ready to tell, I made the decision to tell Kate face-to-face. Despite our distance, it seemed like the appropriate thing to do. However, there was no enthusiasm when I tried to arrange anything, which was another obvious sign that something had changed. Schedule conflicts and a busy life awaited me once more. She replied with a cheerful congrats, complete with emoji and exclamation point, when I reluctantly sent the news. Although the reaction was cordial enough, it wasn’t typical after that complete stillness.

 

She did contact me once to ask for a favor, which I gladly granted. No thank you was given, even though I didn’t require one. This started to feel strange since, although I don’t need a lot of attention from friends, I do hold them to a high standard. I didn’t know why, but it felt like breaking the news to someone had been the last straw in a friendship that was already falling apart. At that point, I recognized that our connection had really changed and that two pathways that had previously crossed—like many in the city—had now parted.
I stopped contacting people after I came to terms with this. Naturally, it was painful to learn that she had cut herself off for an unclear cause. However, I had developed a thick skin over the years and, for better or worse, had learned to go without regret (albeit not always without feeling).

Regretfully, I would be put to the test once more in life when confronted with the incomprehensible. I was no longer carrying our son because of hyperactive fibroids and a long list of other annoyingly sporadic problems. My shattered and fragile spirit was shielded by the support of my family and close friends. Receiving support is essential to reconstructing your life after a loss because it’s simple to descend into a dark, lonely place. Fortunately, I soon had enough to put the pieces back together.

Later on, though, I realized that I had somehow silently anticipated a gesture when I thought of Kate. That she might get in touch with me, not to explain anything, but to discreetly express her best wishes and inquire about the pregnancy in some way. A modest gesture that would have been greatly appreciated despite everything. Although assuming she was aware of my difficulty might have been presumptuous, the need for a modest sign of concern or support persisted. I would have done that. However, it never materialized and merely confirmed my preexisting knowledge.
Friendship has always reminded me of a garden. Some people don’t require ongoing assistance. One of my girlfriends and I can go months without talking, but we always cheerfully resume our conversation. Without the right support, others may falter. As a child, I spent time attempting to determine who could flourish more readily and who required more care. I regarded my friendships in the highest regard and had worked hard to earn them.

I also thought of myself as a woman with discernment. Someone who took pride in having a full and carefully screened adult network. Nevertheless, I was still ghosted in spite of everything. It’s incredible how someone you once knew well may turn into a random stranger you see on the street. We would continue to interact virtually, but she would only be another harmless tweet or aesthetically pleasing Instagram photo to peruse. And someone you used to spend a lot of time with in real life turns into just another arbitrary image on your page.

I used to overanalyze situations, wondering what I could have done or whether things could have turned out differently. However, by this time, I had established a rigorous and low bar for what I would put up with. At first, I was concerned about our breakup, but I eventually stopped caring and watched the relationship deteriorate without ever reaching for the watering can to keep it going.
I can’t really describe this, but I can say that after going through hell, you realize that it’s simpler to let things go than to exhaust yourself. I did that because I had nothing else to offer the situation and needed to focus on more crucial areas. I could have contacted you in the beginning to just ask what happened, and perhaps I should have if only to get closure—that thing we strive for when a relationship ends abruptly. Maybe I would have if my circumstances had been different. However, my course changed, and I never turned around once I started down that new path.

I was once informed by a coworker that I would be able to name all of my best friends on one hand by the time I was forty. I didn’t understand what she meant, but now I do. We encounter many individuals during our lives, and frequently we act like Goldilocks, trying on different kinds of relationships to see how they fit. Without knowing why, some people prosper, some fail, and some crumble. However, it’s acceptable to proceed even in those situations.

Although the breakup of a friendship might be painful, life is much too short to dwell on the bad. It’s never pleasant to get ghosted by your best female friend. The most important thing is spending time with the people who are present and who make you feel good. Perhaps Drake was correct when he said, “We don’t need any new friends.” However, I also haven’t given up on them entirely.